Before I begin, I am not speaking to those who are in an abusive relationship. That is an entirely different subject. Don't give up hope for your husband, but if he is harming you, that is not okay. Please seek help.
Now, let's begin. I've had the great privilege of fellowship with some beautiful, amazing women
who are very dear to my heart. We've attended women's conferences, worked side by side running a nonprofit business, painted a church, done Bible studies, and shared life. We have reared children and shared struggles, joys, and one another’s ups and downs. But over time, I've noticed a common subject and discussion that arises amongst us: marriage and the roles between men and women. This is a pretty touchy subject, with a lot of confusion and frustration, but one of the biggest things I sense is fear. Fear that if we wives let go, that our men will become wayward and go astray. Fear that they will realize there are better things out there in the world than us. Or even fear that if we get too close, we will realize they aren't who we hope they are... or that they will realize that we aren’t who they want. And oftentimes, due to that fear that they will hurt us, they will go down the wrong path.
As if we actually have the power to control any of that. We do not! And all we end up doing is
exhausting ourselves and encouraging our husbands to withdraw.
Perhaps you've had previous relationships that were less than ideal. Relationships that broke
you and destroyed your view of yourself. Relationships that distorted the image of who God
created you to be. Relationships that have caused you to hold your husband at arm's length, not
letting him close emotionally for fear of going through the past all over again. All of that is completely understandable. It is natural to want to protect yourself or be protected. But just as we would want to know that it is okay that we are not perfect, just as we would want
to know that when we are failing and not getting it right, that our husbands will be there, waiting
to wrap us in their arms and say, “it's okay”… Our men also have to know that it is okay if they fail. And it is okay because His grace is sufficient for us. His strength is made perfect in weakness. We have to let go of our control and let God do the work in our husbands… and in us. We are not afraid of their failures because “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7)
We need to be a place of peace for our husbands, the mighty warriors, whose name we have
accepted, to come to after the day is done and the battle is over. Sometimes they win the battles, but sometimes they fail. And they need to know that when that happens, and it will, that it will be okay. They need to know that we are on their team no matter what, that we understand and we will love them unconditionally because we love with the love of Christ. When our men are afraid of failing because they know we will be there to give them hell when they do, it paralyzes them from even trying.
But when they know that we're on their side (our husbands are not the enemy, Satan just wants
you to think that) and that failure is an opportunity for growth, they can embrace the challenge
because the outcome is in His hands. Then they can boldly embrace the future without fear.
Now before you say it, because I know you are thinking it… NO.
No, we cannot carry the weight of our husbands' failures. We can't make everything okay. We cannot hold them up with our own two hands and our own strength. We have to remember what I mentioned previously: His grace is sufficient. His grace and His strength will hold you both up. And it is okay if he fails because you are not going to hold onto it. You are going to give it to the One who is able and you are going to walk beside him no matter what.
When we understand the structure that God has designed and intended for a marital
relationship, we will find that there is great freedom instead of fear, in following his design.
The story comes to mind, of a woman who’s fiancé was not open with her about a sinful past.
She'd known him for 10 years and known him as someone other than who he was. They
proceeded to be married and he then lied to her about lustful issues for the next 10 years. This
wife allowed Satan to use her husband's sin to lock her in a prison of mental and emotional
misery, pain and fear. That fear held her there for nearly 14 years. It was not until, through the grace of God, she finally realized that her husband was not the enemy. Though he definitely did wrong and allowed Satan to use him as a tool, Satan was the one who took the husband's sin and used it to trap her. When she finally realized that what her husband said and did was not what defined who she was, (and that it was safe to let God take control of the issue) she realized that she and her husband should be on the same team. It was only then that God was able to change her husband more effectively than she could, and there she was able to find freedom from that prison of fear.
That woman was me.
Now, let's go back to the beginning:
In the garden of Eden when man and woman were created, we are given the layout and structure for our relationships and the positions for which men and women were created.
The man was made first and then the woman was created to be a help mate to the man. That does not mean that the woman is lesser than the man. That is a lie from Satan to both men and women alike. Don't buy it. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” (Genesis 1:27)
There it is. Plain and simple. Black and white. We are both created in the image of God.
But there is also some structure that has been built into our design and the sooner we accept
and embrace the purpose and place that God specifically designed us for, the better off we will
be.
So, let's dig in a little bit deeper shall we? “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: ….. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.” (Genesis 1:26-27)
So God created man (referring to mankind-all humans) in his image, but notice it says “Our
image, after Our likeness.”
Who is he talking about? Who is the “Our?”
God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. And while I believe that is mostly referring
to God giving us a 3-part being, made up of body, mind and spirit, I also think there's a little
glimpse of marital structure there.
I'll try to explain: Fast forward a couple thousand years, Jesus is now on earth and we get to see a little bit more of the relationship between God the Father and God the Son.
First off, let me quote Jesus' own words of the relationship that he has with God:
“I and the Father are one. ” One! Now that sounds pretty level in equality to me. “I and the Father are one.” (John 10:30)
Now, that being said, even though they are one, Jesus is always in submission to the Father. He
never once steps out of his role or his position and becomes authoritative over the Father.
He is one with the Father. His will and desires align perfectly with the Father's. He is in agreement with the Father, yet he submits to the Father’s authority.
You might be thinking: “Yeah, but I and my husband aren't one. We're two different people.”
Well, let us see what the Bible says about that…
“And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be ONE FLESH.” (Genesis 2:23-24)
There was a couple who did not follow this structure (many people fail here to some degree) even more drastically than most. The man, nearly 30, was so attached to his parents that he took his brand new bride home to live with his parents and his brother. At first the parents did not approve of the situation. In fact, the mother told her son: “No, you can't live here. You need to be responsible, find your own home and take care of your family.” (A wise mother indeed!) But the son did not listen to his mother, the father did not stand up for his wife, and over the course of a few years, the father and the brother became attached to the new bride, bowing to her every whim. The bride held all three men tightly within her manipulative clutches. The poor mother was completely dethroned from her position as woman of the house, and was reduced to not much more than a servant in her own home. The poor children produced from the arrangement have the woman who bore them, a slave grandmother, and 3 different father figures all in the same home. Talk about confusion!
Unless that sounds like an ideal situation, you need to know that the design, position and
structure God lays out for us in life is important to follow.
Another example of position and structure we also find in Genesis 2. Read verses 15-25 and
then we'll discuss it.
“15 And the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. 16 And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. 18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. 19 And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. 20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. 21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Many of us already know that after Adam and Eve sinned, even though Eve ate the fruit first,
God called Adam."
Why did he do that? I think the answer to that begins right there in verse 16: “And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: 17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.18 And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”
God charged the man, Adam, with the command to not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good
and evil. Eve hadn't even been created yet. She was created after that to be his help mate. So I
believe this means it was his responsibility (though they were one) to lead and ensure that the
rules were followed.
Let's read into chapter 3:
“1 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? 2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.”
So she knew the rules..
"4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: 5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. 6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.”
Eve chose to go against God’s Law anyways, and it says that her husband was with her. It
doesn't mention that he tried to stop her. It seems like instead of protecting and leading
his wife, he just watched and then joined in. He followed her instead of leading her.
“7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they
sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. 8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. 9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?”
There it is... “Adam, where art thou?” Why would Adam be responsible? Because he was
supposed to be the leader.
“10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I
hid myself. 11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? 12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree,
and I did eat.”
Then, the blame shifting began, and we still see this in society today. Men cowering behind
the women... “But it's her fault”... instead of shielding the woman with the protection of their leadership. Not only did he try to blame his wife, but he also tried to blame God. “The woman
whom Thou gave to me...” as if to say, this is everyone's fault but my own.
About a year ago a man said to me, “Our society is in shambles because of the feminists. It’s
completely their fault.” And while I agree that the feminist movement sure hasn't done us much
good, I couldn't help but think, “Wow, that sounds an awful lot like Genesis 3:12.”
This is an age-old problem, and it's still going on today.
We need to let our men know that we actually do need them to own it and lead us despite what our society feeds us.
If only everyone, men and women alike, would get into their God-given position and prepare for
the race that is set before us.
“13 And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman
said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.”
Eve followed Adam's poor example and pointed the finger towards someone else. A leader will be followed whichever direction he is going. Good or bad. (No pressure, guys.)
“14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: 15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel. 16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”
“And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.”
This is a touchy subject; let's try to go over it delicately.
“Thy desire shall be to thy husband.” What does that mean?
Many people say that this means women desire to control their husbands. That we desire the
authority that our husbands have.
The word desire comes from the Hebrew word tshuwqah:
Strong's #8669: tshuwqah (pronounced tesh-oo-kaw')from *7783 in the original sense of stretching out after; a longing: desire.
*Strong's #7783: shuwq (pronounced shook) a primitive root; to run after or over, i.e.
overflow: overflow, water.
Thy desire shall be to thy husband or thy longing shall be for thy husband…
So perhaps this could mean that we will have a deep longing for a husband even though he will rule (have authority) over us.
Let me explain that thought. Though sin, because of Adam and Eve's sin, is now upon all
mankind, God does not designate sin to us; we chose that on our own. These verses are about
God designating punishments upon us for our sin. If you look at the other two curses, neither of
them speaks about their curse as being a certain sin that they will struggle with.
It's not a sin to work the ground in sorrow; that's a punishment. It's not a sin to crawl on your
belly and eat dust, that's a punishment.
So why would it refer to a sin as part of the woman's curse? I don't think it does. I think it’s stating that because we sinned we will have great pain in childbirth, and we will long for a husband despite the fact that he will have authority over us.
From the point of being little girls, most of us have had a deep longing and desire to have a
husband. (…to the point that it's embarrassing.) A deep desire to be loved and cherished and understood... And yes, even to be led by such a man.
I don't think that “rule over you” part of the curse is referring to a sinful, evil, tyrant husband that God will curse us with. I think it just means that since we did a really bad job stepping out of our position and trying to take leadership, the husband will always have authority over us.
That being said, and whichever opinion you believe is correct, it does clearly state that the husband will rule over us and that it is a position that we have to humbly accept. Any desire to step over God given authority is sin.
I see that sometimes we women try to get around this by pretending to be submissive, all the while manipulating our husbands and situations to hold control by many different means. But manipulation is manipulation, whether it be sweet or contentious, and it is not true biblical submission no matter how hard one pretends. And when you notice that manipulation is one of Satan's most used tactics, is that really who we want to imitate? I would encourage you to examine yourself in that area.
I think that people, in general, have the desire to overstep authority, and therefore, women do have this struggle to control their husbands to varying degrees. I just don't know that that is what is being spoken of here. Either way, it clearly states that the husband has authority.
Thankfully, God gave the husband rules with his authority over us, commanding our husbands to love us, understand us, and be self-sacrificing towards us.
See, God has our best interest in mind even though we sinned against Him and deserved to be
cursed. (I'm pretty sure He's got this under control, and we can trust his design.)
Moving on…
“17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast
eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the
ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life…”
“Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife.” This doesn't mean that a man can’t listen to and take his wife's opinion. This doesn't mean that a man can't learn things from and through his wife. This means he yielded his authority and submitted to his wife and sinned. She was deceived and sinned, and instead of following through with what God had charged him with, he turned and followed her.
“18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; 19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.”
So, there we have it. The design and structure was perfect. Made in the image of God Himself, and we messed it up.
If we believe that God loves us the way He says He does…If we believe His design is perfect…If we believe that God wants the best for us... Shouldn't we step out of the way and let Him do His work?
God is going to do a much better job at changing and fixing our husbands than we are because He is the one who created the perfect design in the first place!
He is the one who said “husbands love your wives.”
He is the one who said “thou shall not commit adultery.”
He is the one who said “if you look at a woman with lust you've committed adultery.”
He is the one who said “cleave to your wife.”
He is the one who said, “he who finds a wife finds a good thing.”
AND HE IS THE ONE WITH WHOM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!
HE IS THE ONE WITH ALL THE POWER!
If your husband isn't turning and submitting his ways to the all-powerful, all-loving God by whom he was created and designated a purpose, do you think YOU can fix him? Do you think your power is greater than God's? Do you think your wisdom surpasses your creators?
If our husband lives in sin and not leading through following God, it doesn't mean that we can then step out of the position that we've been created for and step into the position that he was placed in and do it for him or show him how to do it.
I am pretty sure God is able to fix him more effectively than we can. “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us” (Ephesians 3:20).
Step aside, accept the position for which you were created. Embrace your purpose. And let him
lead. And if he fails, it is okay because His grace is sufficient, and His mercies are new every
morning. Tomorrow, you will get back up, and together, you will continue the mission for
which you were created.
“BUT...” Yes, I know what you're thinking, and unfortunately, sometimes they won't try, and sometimes they won't be fixed, even by God. Because sometimes they resist him till the end.
Sometimes, they never step up and become the fierce yet loving warrior they were created to be.
But that still doesn't mean that we can step out of our God given role, push God aside, and try to fill the position of all 3 of you (God, husband, and wife). That is beyond exhausting! And that is something you were just not created to do. A fish can’t fly no matter how hard it might try because it simply wasn’t created to do so.
But who's going to fill your husband's position then?!
God is able. His grace is sufficient. His mercies are new every morning. Great is his faithfulness!
He's got this and he's holding you. Follow him.
And if you have a husband who is willing to try, let him try. Don't tell him how to try. God can do that.
“Well can't God use me to tell him how?” Only in this way:
“Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. 3 Do not let your adornment be merely outward arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the [a]incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. 5 For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.”
God isn't going to tell you to sin (try to take your husband's position) in order to fix your husband.
Submission. Now, there's a bad word, right? Did everyone cringe?
Doesn't that mean that we are beneath our husbands? Doesn't that mean we are “less thans”?
If you were less than or beneath your husband, you wouldn't have to submit. You wouldn't have to yield. Submitting and yielding can only take place if you are already on the same level.
I believe submission means that your mission in life is aligned with your husband's (as we mentioned, Jesus' mission was in agreement with the Father's), and you let him take the lead in it, you yield to His leadership and authority in the mission that you are both on together.
And we don't have to be afraid. “For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted
in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah
obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid
with any terror.”
But what if my husband wants me to sin?
”Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.” (Colossians 3:18)
“As it is fit in the Lord.” This means that God is our ultimate authority and we only have to submit to our husbands unless it is sinful.
“Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.”
This didn't mean that Abraham was her god; she was simply showing her submission to his authority over her.
And when they learn to lead because they've been allowed to try, we can feel safe and loved under their leadership, and it will become easy to submit to them because our mission is aligned to follow the One that we can both trust.
So one more question remains: Given the structure that God has laid out for us, are women permitted to preach and assume a position of spiritual leadership over men?
If you don't feel as though I have covered this already, let's grab some New Testament verses to put with our Old Testament verses and then summarize what we've learned.
“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, [h]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. ” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:22:33)
“8 I desire therefore that the men pray everywhere, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and
doubting; 9 in like manner also, that the women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with
propriety and [e]moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing, 10 but,
which is proper for women professing godliness, with good works. 11 Let a woman learn in
silence with all submission. 12 And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a
man, but to be in silence. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not
deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. 15 Nevertheless she will be
saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.” (1 Timothy 2:8-15)
We've gone over a lot already, so we'll keep this pretty simple. In the Ephesians verses, we see the comparison between Christ and the church and husband and wife.
“Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in
everything.”
How often do we see the church assuming authority over Christ?...... Never.
We notice the quote from Genesis 2:24 in the Ephesians passage
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh.”
We already talked about this, but I thought it significant that we make the connection between both passages where He laid out the design and now where He is talking about submission.
…and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Would it be respectful if the church told Jesus how to be a Savior? Would it be respectful if the church tried to assume Jesus' position as God?
In case you're unsure, it's a no.
Moving on to the Timothy passage: “12 And I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to be in silence. 13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve. 14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.”
If we take verse 13-14 and put it next to what we have already learned in Genesis it seems clear to me that women are not to have authority over men in the church. That doesn't mean that men can't learn from what you have to say in Bible study but it does mean that you aren't supposed to lead the Bible study where men are involved.
It doesn't mean that your husband can't listen and learn from your knowledge or opinions or experiences. It simply means you are not to lead him because it's not what you were created and designed to do. It doesn't make you lesser, it just means you were designed for a different role.
“....who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’”
He created us each for a specific task according to his will and both are equally important.
But Satan doesn't want you to think that. Satan hates God, and he hates God's image (that's us). He hates your marriage, and he wants to destroy it because it is supposed to reflect God's love for us. Don't listen to Satan. Don't believe his lies.
And when you think that the Lord called Adam responsible for a sin that someone else committed, is that really a position and responsibility that you want on your shoulders?
Not me. The men can have it.
That should be a bit of a humbling thought for you. Your husband will be responsible to some degree for the state that you are in spiritually.
Do you love him? Align your mission.
And if he's not leading, you can, and should, still follow God.
The family is under attack. We must do our part.
There is freedom in submitting to God’s will.
“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” (John 8:36)
